... "feelings"...?

Sep 21, 2008

... "feelings"...?

Current mood:awake

... the last few days were so strange... i felt sad but couldn't help feeling amused sometimes at the silliness of some comments and actions directed (more or less directly) towards me. Somebody said a while back "love is not a feeling because feelings are felt under certain conditions and love is unconditional". Do you mean feelings like the ones when you go coo-coo and slash your wrists and stab somebody in the hand? Or maybe like those feelings when in anger you divulge other person's secrets that they told you trusting you'd never repeat them. Is it really necessary to forget yourself till the point of self harm just to prove to someone else you love them? because they don't believe unless you do that? And if you realise both you and the other would be better off separated and walk away that invalidates your "feeling" of love?
This is not a contest of who loves more.. so let's forget about ourselves and compete... that's dumb. I love and broken i walk away for i have no way of ever trusting again a person that has stepped on my "feelings". I walk away from a person that disrespects and mistreats and lies and cheats. And i still love this person for the person i know he could be, just can't be with the person he is with me... because after a while even the suicidal drowning starts gasping for air. There's a moment when you step outside yourself and take a look at your life and wonder where your steps are heading. There's a moment where you realise that you have walked off your path and you have fallen so far from who you are you have to take a deep breath and take a decision... walk in the same direction and lose yourself... or cut loose. And it's so hard... so hard... because you still feel his arms around you... it has only been a few days... you still have his smell on your pillow, his things around the house.
But is it really worth it? to forget yourself to the point of feeling you're loosing your mind? A while back, i was in a different relationship and even if the situation was completely different some of the behaviour was similar. It feels like a perverted pleasure to push somebody from behind toward the abis, have them contemplate the (what at that moment seems the inevitable) end. And then you realise that the hard way is the way out. The really painfull way, the way that requires you to cry yourself to sleep night after night wondering why some people take pleasure in the pain of others. You remember to take the next breath and with each breath it becomes easier. You go thru steps, thru anger, resentment, sadness, self-pitty, you eventually accept the truth, you understand you loved without being loved. You never forget... you just hide your "feelings" in a corner of your soul. They'll come back out some day, but hopefully it's going to be in order to help you to make a better decision.
I don't speak good enough english to distinguish between nuances of words... in romanian we just call them "sentimente". Either you love or you don't. Either you desire or you don't. Either you lie or you don't. Either you cheat or you don't. I learned something... i will never settle! I will never settle just because i love somebody. And thou i still have in my heart Andy whom i loved when i was 12, i know that if i loved and still love somebody with all my soul, i deserve the same thing. If i could be faithful and loving and understanding and true... i deserve the same thing. And if i didn't just settle with somebody that didn't show me all that i deserve just because "I" loved him, if i wasn't that "selfless", that doesn't take away from my "feelings". I'll not allow ANYBODY to put my feelings into question. Nobody has that right.
You think that by saying what you said you hurt me? Nothing can hurt me more than actions.. a few words thrown in anger have only made me bitterly laugh. It's just a measure of your caracther and it says a lot about the maturity you so much rave about. I guess i always knew it will end like this, i just selfishly stole from time a few more moments. I laid in bed at night, knowing what would be in the end but my stupid romantic heart still saves a ray of hope that "this time it will be different". I smiled in the dark while tears of sadness rose from my eyes... and my heart in doubt. Now i smile in the light with tears of sadness in my eyes but with tranquility in my heart. There aren't any more questions unanswered, no more doubts... but most of all no more lies... life goes on...
"..off all the gin joints of all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine..."