I sit in a corner of a room filled with boxes. It's just a small part of my belongings. I didn't have time to even unpack, having just moved in the house of my partner. Hmmm partner... such a loaded word. So many hopes and dreams packed in just a few letters. Desires that lingered in my soul since I have reason and memory: a house, a family, children, affection, companionship... but I am alone. I've always been alone. No matter who came in my path, I chose those that didn't care, didn't want to or were unable to fulfill. I've always thought that my dream was a simple one. I mean, who doesn't want that? The years just proved to me I'm so naive.
I know I can be a handful. Ever since I was very little I felt deprived of affection and always felt somehow unworthy. Each person that crossed through my path made me feel more and more unworthy.
I was just told again I was unworthy. That my body is not good enough. That my feelings are not worth fighting for. That I am as disposable as last night's leftovers.
I'm trying to keep it together. I wish I could talk to someone but at the same time I know I can't... I wouldn't be able to handle platitudes, someone telling me how everything is gonna be alright. Is it? When? How? When are we going to be treated more like what we are... human.

De dor

I opened my eyes... I could hear the birds singing outside my door, a out of tune orchestra, like a sea of bells in the wind, each with its own melody. They always make me smile and I love laying in bed, in the dark, with my eyes closed, listening to them... my private concerto. Sleepily I hugged my pillow. It has lost your scent a long time ago. Your image in my memory has faded as well. I wished my head would find your shoulder again, my arms needed your warm and tender embrace. I wanted to open my eyes again in the dark and find you looking at me, smiling. Now I feel like a fool again. I reached out my arms towards you, but again they were left empty. My heart that raced at your embrace has rushed with my tears of despair. Without an explanation, you have turned away from me. In your eyes, I am a stranger. That which felt so familiar is now a distant feeling...

Saudade de voce...

...a dark, rainy night, a mellow mood, a glass of wine and bossa nova.. the perfect melancholic music for my melancholic heart.. always yearning for love and always an inch too far from it, reaching out its arm, stretching out its fingers, trying to grasp it desperately and always coming.. just a bit short..

.. i close my eyes and i can still feel your soft lips and tender touch on my back.. "Slow down, heart" i said, "you already know this game", yet it doesn't listen and runs at 1000 miles an hour towards you. It already knows the view around the corner but it wasn't born with brakes. It only knows giving its all and nothing less.

.. you're not alone, heart.. you and i have been down this path before.. you are my companion and i am yours.. there's nobody else but us... there never was..

Useless thoughts...

I'm 35 and I'm tired.. Get some rest, you'll say. No, not that kind of tired. I'm tired of the games people play. I'm tired of being judged by people before they even get to know me. If I like you and show it, you take advantage, if I don't, you lose interest. If I'm honest about myself, you don't appreciate that, instead you judge me, but if I hold back you think I'm a fake. If I like you and show it, then I'm clingy, if I don't show it, then I'm cold. If I'm white, you want me dark skinned, yet if I'm darker, you want me as pale as the moon. I'm 35 and at my peak, yet if I act upon my desire, I'm easy, if I don't then I'm a prude. If I offer to pay the tab you feel offended and if I don't you think I'm using you.. I'm simply tired. Let's get things straight. I DON'T READ MINDS. If you have something to say, please say it. Don't think just because you give me hints, that is enough. If you like me, act upon it. Just because you feel it, doesn't mean I know it. If you want to meet me, make an effort. That's how a relationship is built. I'm not fighting for the power. A relationship is not about power, but acceptance, patience, love and understanding. Understand that I want you for the only reason one should want another.. for you, who you are inside. I don't need you financially, I need you emotionally. Understand that if you're the one I'm talking to, you're THE ONLY ONE I'm talking to. I'm giving you my undivided attention. Because I believe that's the fair thing to do. I'd love it to be the same way around. I like to be spoken to with the truth, directly. If what you have to say is going to hurt me, well that's life. I'd rather hear it from you than see you slowly disappear from the scene, so that I'd "get the message". I'm not up for an artificially created rollercoaster relationship. Life is a rollercoaster enough for me not to have the stomach for someone that will give me ups and downs. I know what I want from you and even if I like you, if you're not what I need, I'd rather you not be in my life.. finally.. is it really necessary to have to say all this? Why isn't this common sense? Why do we have to go through life and learn these lessons the hard way. School should be more about life and people and knowing how to treat others. Then we wouldn't have people hurting others so easily.
I'm an emotional person.. too emotional maybe. Not in the scene-creating kind, but in caring too much kind. I hide it most of the times because I don't want to be hurt. Because I have been hurt.. it's a reflex. So I'm full of doubts, not about myself, but about others. Others have taken my hand, promised to walk by my side just to finish by hurting me. I'm not even judging them. I chose them and I stood up by them after they hurt me. But I've changed. I've learnt to walk away when I have to. I've learnt that some people never get to exercise that "being a good human" muscle. Now, if I stick around and insist is because I'm finally listening to my gut feeling. And even now I'm sometimes wrong, but very rarely. So if I stick around and insist, believe me, it's for the right reason. I believe in you, I like you, I want you to be by my side. I'm not going to hide. I want something for the long run. I want someone that I can feel comfortable with, so that the fear of being judged would disappear. I want someone to be goofy with but also serious at times, someone that will dry my tears with his lips. Someone that won't laugh at my weaknesses or take advantage of them. Someone that will believe me when I say "i love you" because it's not something that comes out of my mouth lightly.. a long list you might say. It's not a long list. What I described are many facets of a character. Someone affectionate, open-minded, not superficial, loyal and honest.

A midnight rambling..

I lay here, late at night, trying to find inspiration. An idea, a witty dialogue.. I'm drawing a blank. Not even the glass of wine helped. Tomorrow is a chance, but I'm feeling there's not much to come out of it. Yesterday was a renewal of feelings I had thought left me. A tightening of the stomach and a secret joy. This is one silly heart I have. It will be the death of me. But I guess I'm to enjoy the ride, as bumpy as it might get.

Lonely

For a moment, I stopped feeling alone. Just for a moment. But as everything else in life, moments are fleeting.. that moment is gone. As I sit alone in the dark and think about life, I reconsider what is important. I thought I knew the answer to that question. But now I'm not sure anymore. Tears meet on the tip of my chin. I feel sorry for the world. I feel sorry for the people. We live our lives day by day choosing to close out eyes to the reality. We show our smallness. We show our selfishness. I am alone....

Even if you leave..

It's saddening going through life, meeting people, caring for them, having them depart from your life for whatever reason just to realise how inconsequential you have been in their existence. There are maybe hundred of sayings about how we shouldn't give attention to those who don't care about us. But how can you make yourself feel that? We can pretend even inside ourselves that we have done so, but at certain moments the truth comes out. A place, a song, a smell.. a memory, makes it all flow out like a waterfall. What does that say about us.. we are human. There are no rules when it comes to feelings and caring for someone. And some people leave a permanent mark, either deserved or not, it makes no difference to the heart.