You moved on and he’s still knocking at the door

Oct 13, 2008

You moved on and he’s still knocking at the door

Current mood:optimistic

You get hurt, you pick yourself up and move on, trying to put back together the pieces of your life. You get busy with different things than what you were doing with him, you avoid the places he took you to, you erase photos, e-mails, phone number, throw away letters and gifts. You don't need anything from a person that had no honesty in anything he said and did during your "love" relationship. And then on the horizont there's the silver lining... you kind of like somebody else... You start thinking about trusting somebody else, about putting your heart on the line one more time, hoping it would be the last time you have to. The words get stuck in your throat, a nod in your stomach when you catch a glimpse of HIM, you feel shy and realise for the first time in a long time, you don't know what to do. You hope he feels the same way, you hope those smiles and going above and beyond (feels like) have a deeper meaning. You feel like a schoolgirl again and you love it. It makes you see the day brighter and hear the birds sing (even thou it's fall not spring lol)...
At the hype of your ecstasy, you get news from your past. It seams whenever you are getting away, he tries to lure you back in, if not for getting back together at least for sufering some more. He expects you to be wailing, crying, want him back... and yet suprisingly you don't feel that way. You are home free. You understood who he is and what he has done and still trying to do. Instead of a tear coming down your cheek, you smile. It's not hate, like he says. You haven't thought about him in weeks. It's a higher understanding of his caracter, of his pettiness, of the void he carries inside. Of the pain he must feel knowing he has so much inside to give for good but feels the incapability of doing so. SO much intelligence wasted. You're not hurting anymore because all thru this time you knew all that he was, just didn't want to accept it. Now you can. And it is your choice to not associate with people like that.
Where i'm from we say that you don't have a choice with your family, but you have a choice with your friends. All of the sudden, if you choose not to befriend somebody that has been anything but your friend, then you're wrong. Shame on you for not being by the side of the person that has never thought of you, shame on you for not being supportive of the person that has considered you deserving of lies, unfaithfulness, secrecy... When you asked him why he lied, he answered "because you couldn't handle the truth, you couldn't hadle the fact that i didn't want a monogamous relationship"... Yet you have been honest from the begining. From that first night he asked you to be his, the night he left the other woman in his house to come to yours. There were no "deep feelings" then. There was no "i was afraid to lose you" then. He wanted to lie, he wanted to use , he wanted to cheat. That was his choice... that was the moment you had been convicted to months and years of lies...
You think back and ask yourself if there was anything you could have done differently. There wasn't... He showed himself to you just like you wanted him to be, sweet talking, romantic, dedicated. It is LOVE, you said to yourself and fell deep. "He can't be lying to me, i was looking straight into his eyes while i was crying. He held me when i told him how sad i was, how hard it was to be away from my loved ones... he said i would never be alone again... and i believed. Why should have i question that?" Masterful, isn't it? It's amazing how he took all of his intelligence and channeled it into weaving a web of lies for at least 3 people, day by day, sometimes more than one woman a day, leaving one house and going to another (conviniently located 2 blocks away lol), can you imagine how much good that much imagination would do if used the right way? Being able to spit out a lie at a split seconds notice, without blinking? Have to give credit where it deserved. Never have you met somebody like that, formidably sad.
You have taken every hit the life gave you and gone along with it, tried to learn but never seamed to do it, always trusting the wrong person, always loving the wrong person... but loving, giving all of yourself. Yes, you were hurt in the end but the beauty of loving is inimaginable, it fills your soul and just bursts out. If you were to choose between loving or being loved (without answering the same way), you would choose loving. It gives you a sense of who you are, of all you could do.
So you took the good in this, the only good, your love and moved on. And now you're smiling, but it's not a bitter smile like it was before. It's a happy smile. You don't hate him, that would mean he won and you're still thinking about him bitterly or longingly. But you're looking down and just seeing a small man with the capacity of being big and the choice he's making everyday.

I didn't write this for anybody in particular to read... these are just thoughts rumbling thru my head. I don't care about what some think i still feel or stoped feeling or will feel or whatever. I've found my peace and hope and all i can do is follow the path and hope and fight for the best. Because that's what i deserve!