Taking people for granted... random thoughts

... i sit in the dark, glass of Metaxa and my thoughts... I've always loved the night.. i could daydream but at night. I think it started with my first love, when i was 12. His name was Eddy and he was 21. He's the sole reason i started to listen to Depeche Mode (even thou I'd never admit to anyone i ever liked them lol) and UB40 (love reggae). It's then when i realised that in my "dreams" i can be anything i wanted to be, achieve everything i even set up to do. In my dreams i was almost happy.

Of course... life is never that easy. But it would take me a long time to understand that. I used to believe that "it will all be OK in the end". After many experiences i realised that nothing is OK unless you make it so. You can't let you life drift, putting your faith into something that will take care of everything. If things go your way, you'll say "God has granted me my wishes" and if not, you'll say "God is putting me to the test". "God" want you to get off your lazy ass and achieve some things on your own. Don't stand under the tree with your mouth open, waiting for the apple to fall straight into it (don't laugh, that's a Romanian saying).
I think i started to write this because i felt sadness, sadness maybe about not enjoying life as i should, definitely sadness at seeing people take other people for granted, shunning love, expecting it to always be there regardless of how they behave. In today's society people have a very short memory span. I'm not saying is either good nor bad, I'm just recognizing the fact. And the answer to people that take others for granted is the ones taken for granted are not willing to hang around until they are appreciated. One day, when those who can't appreciate wake up from their daydreaming about some model or actress or even a different person than the one they have next to them, they wake up to an empty spot next to them, they wake up to regret in their soul. And usually at that moment it's too late to mend anything. Not because the person that left them hates them, but because the person that used to love them stopped loving.
There are a few things that can never be fixed... you can't bring back someone that is no more. And that a big way of taking someone for granted. You think because you've said 2, 3 years ago you love them that impression last forever. Maybe there will be a moment when you'll wish you could lay next to her and hold her in your arms and there will be nothing you could do to bring that moment back. But here you are, back turned, cold behaviour, mundane conversation. How could you know that all she wants is a soft caress on the cheek, a kiss on the shoulder... you ask: what do you want? how could she ever ask you for affection? that is supposed to come from you or not at all. You think she means some watch or dinner. She would be happy with a walk holding hands.
Then maybe you think that what you do when she is not there is secret, that she'll never know. But, boys, let me tell you something. We girls know... we may not say anything, we may hold it inside, but we know. And when that trust is broken, nothing can mend it. You can tell me an infinite time there's not reason to lie to me, i know you're lying... Because the 10 men that lied to me before you created this sixth sense in me and i can tell. So what do you gain? I'm just going to circle around you like a lion around the prey, narrowing the perimeter until i catch you with the lie... or until i get bored and walk away.
And there's the other kind of "taking for granted" guy. The one that has women buzzing around like flies, the one that feels he's the one to satisfy all. The "I'm taking it easy, enjoying my life, not hurting anyone" guy... Among all those women there's one that feels you are the right guy for her, just met a the wrong moment. You've let her believe that in any other situation, you'd be happy in a stable, serious relationship with her. You think this is enough to string her along, while you're having your fun with others. But there's one thing to say "Don't get involved" and another to actually fulfill that. And one day she'll get tired again of your games and will walk out of your life, this time forever.
You think it's so common to find a good woman, not interested in money nor position. Someone quiet and dedicated. Someone that loves you completely and for whom you are. maybe you think that continuous stream of women will keep on flowing and maybe the grass is always greener on the other side. Keep on jumping fences and you'll end up in a desert. And then, my friend, it will be too late to come back. Too late...

I am not made of stone. I am not a hypocrite. I do not cheat and lie. I do not play games.... and I am starting to think this is not the time for me. Everybody has their agenda. Everybody is selfish. Well, most everybody. I wish i were... but i have just... the dark, a glass of Metaxa and my thoughts...

You moved on and he’s still knocking at the door

Oct 13, 2008

You moved on and he’s still knocking at the door

Current mood:optimistic

You get hurt, you pick yourself up and move on, trying to put back together the pieces of your life. You get busy with different things than what you were doing with him, you avoid the places he took you to, you erase photos, e-mails, phone number, throw away letters and gifts. You don't need anything from a person that had no honesty in anything he said and did during your "love" relationship. And then on the horizont there's the silver lining... you kind of like somebody else... You start thinking about trusting somebody else, about putting your heart on the line one more time, hoping it would be the last time you have to. The words get stuck in your throat, a nod in your stomach when you catch a glimpse of HIM, you feel shy and realise for the first time in a long time, you don't know what to do. You hope he feels the same way, you hope those smiles and going above and beyond (feels like) have a deeper meaning. You feel like a schoolgirl again and you love it. It makes you see the day brighter and hear the birds sing (even thou it's fall not spring lol)...
At the hype of your ecstasy, you get news from your past. It seams whenever you are getting away, he tries to lure you back in, if not for getting back together at least for sufering some more. He expects you to be wailing, crying, want him back... and yet suprisingly you don't feel that way. You are home free. You understood who he is and what he has done and still trying to do. Instead of a tear coming down your cheek, you smile. It's not hate, like he says. You haven't thought about him in weeks. It's a higher understanding of his caracter, of his pettiness, of the void he carries inside. Of the pain he must feel knowing he has so much inside to give for good but feels the incapability of doing so. SO much intelligence wasted. You're not hurting anymore because all thru this time you knew all that he was, just didn't want to accept it. Now you can. And it is your choice to not associate with people like that.
Where i'm from we say that you don't have a choice with your family, but you have a choice with your friends. All of the sudden, if you choose not to befriend somebody that has been anything but your friend, then you're wrong. Shame on you for not being by the side of the person that has never thought of you, shame on you for not being supportive of the person that has considered you deserving of lies, unfaithfulness, secrecy... When you asked him why he lied, he answered "because you couldn't handle the truth, you couldn't hadle the fact that i didn't want a monogamous relationship"... Yet you have been honest from the begining. From that first night he asked you to be his, the night he left the other woman in his house to come to yours. There were no "deep feelings" then. There was no "i was afraid to lose you" then. He wanted to lie, he wanted to use , he wanted to cheat. That was his choice... that was the moment you had been convicted to months and years of lies...
You think back and ask yourself if there was anything you could have done differently. There wasn't... He showed himself to you just like you wanted him to be, sweet talking, romantic, dedicated. It is LOVE, you said to yourself and fell deep. "He can't be lying to me, i was looking straight into his eyes while i was crying. He held me when i told him how sad i was, how hard it was to be away from my loved ones... he said i would never be alone again... and i believed. Why should have i question that?" Masterful, isn't it? It's amazing how he took all of his intelligence and channeled it into weaving a web of lies for at least 3 people, day by day, sometimes more than one woman a day, leaving one house and going to another (conviniently located 2 blocks away lol), can you imagine how much good that much imagination would do if used the right way? Being able to spit out a lie at a split seconds notice, without blinking? Have to give credit where it deserved. Never have you met somebody like that, formidably sad.
You have taken every hit the life gave you and gone along with it, tried to learn but never seamed to do it, always trusting the wrong person, always loving the wrong person... but loving, giving all of yourself. Yes, you were hurt in the end but the beauty of loving is inimaginable, it fills your soul and just bursts out. If you were to choose between loving or being loved (without answering the same way), you would choose loving. It gives you a sense of who you are, of all you could do.
So you took the good in this, the only good, your love and moved on. And now you're smiling, but it's not a bitter smile like it was before. It's a happy smile. You don't hate him, that would mean he won and you're still thinking about him bitterly or longingly. But you're looking down and just seeing a small man with the capacity of being big and the choice he's making everyday.

I didn't write this for anybody in particular to read... these are just thoughts rumbling thru my head. I don't care about what some think i still feel or stoped feeling or will feel or whatever. I've found my peace and hope and all i can do is follow the path and hope and fight for the best. Because that's what i deserve!

relieved...

Oct 2, 2008

relieved...

Current mood:adventurous

The last week or so, i've occupied my time with cleaning my house, computer and life. I've thrown away things, deleted emails and texts and zipped all pics and videos into a password (that i don't know) protected file. I've scrubbed and washed... And danced salsa while doing that.. It's amazing how much better throwing away and erasing any trace of falseness from my life makes me feel. And somewhere in a corner of my heart there's a new hope for happiness.. whenever somebody doesn't hold you back it's so easy to feel that way. You walk out, fill your lungs with air and feel alive. I guess it's true what they say... if life closes a door it opens a window.. (and if it closes both it opens a hole in the ceiling lol)..
I feel so full of life. I feel like when i was little and was having my first crush on a boy. I feel like a schoolgirl and i LOVE it. When i should have felt that way i was so full of worries and sadness i couldn't enjoy that beautiful stage of life. I was sucked dry by people that had agendas and so much selfishness, but now it's all over. And those people have not managed to change me, to make me bitter and closed to the world. Those people have made me be in love with the world and the people that deserve my attention and dedication in it. Those people have showed me how not to be and what not to accept ever again from anybody. I smile now... and my heart is light as a feather...

PS. Before anybody comments on this... I've left the pics on myspace because i was always honest on here about my feelings and about facts. Myspace is as real as you make it. The last 21 months have not been a lie in anything i've done or said. I don't feel sad about what happened anymore. I realize there's no reason for that nor anger. There's nothing i could ever do about it so i let it go. Life always makes sure there's balance.. or God depending in what you believe. There's no way i can erase the memory of this time that has passed, i just chose to remember the only thing real: my feelings. I've blocked the undesirable from contacting me and erased phone numbers. I don't believe somebody that doesn't care about your well-being while proclaiming love, could ever be "a good friend". I think some people just want to have reassurance that they have the forgiveness from they ones they've shunned and hurt. They want to have those "weak ones" close for the moments when they doubt their worthiness, to see that even those that they have profoundly hurt still view them as "good people". It's so strange it's funny... Talk about psychology LOL

PPS. No.. i'm not angry or vengeful but i love this song and always hear it at work and i don't want to write 20 different blogs a day :)

I wanna be around
to pick up the pieces
when somebody breaks your heart,
Somebody twice as smart as I.
Somebody who will swear to be true
like you used to do with me,
Who'll leave you to learn that
misery loves company,
wait and see.
I wanna be around to see how he does it
when he breaks your heart to bits,
Let's see if the puzzle fits, so fine,
And that's when I'll discover that
revenge is sweet,
As I sit there applauding from a front row seat,
When somebody breaks your heart
like you broke mine.
That's when I'll discover
that revenge is sweet,
As I sit there applauding from a front row seat,
When somebody breaks your heart
like you broke mine,
Like you, like you broke mine.

..... good ol' "blue eyes"....

... "feelings"...?

Sep 21, 2008

... "feelings"...?

Current mood:awake

... the last few days were so strange... i felt sad but couldn't help feeling amused sometimes at the silliness of some comments and actions directed (more or less directly) towards me. Somebody said a while back "love is not a feeling because feelings are felt under certain conditions and love is unconditional". Do you mean feelings like the ones when you go coo-coo and slash your wrists and stab somebody in the hand? Or maybe like those feelings when in anger you divulge other person's secrets that they told you trusting you'd never repeat them. Is it really necessary to forget yourself till the point of self harm just to prove to someone else you love them? because they don't believe unless you do that? And if you realise both you and the other would be better off separated and walk away that invalidates your "feeling" of love?
This is not a contest of who loves more.. so let's forget about ourselves and compete... that's dumb. I love and broken i walk away for i have no way of ever trusting again a person that has stepped on my "feelings". I walk away from a person that disrespects and mistreats and lies and cheats. And i still love this person for the person i know he could be, just can't be with the person he is with me... because after a while even the suicidal drowning starts gasping for air. There's a moment when you step outside yourself and take a look at your life and wonder where your steps are heading. There's a moment where you realise that you have walked off your path and you have fallen so far from who you are you have to take a deep breath and take a decision... walk in the same direction and lose yourself... or cut loose. And it's so hard... so hard... because you still feel his arms around you... it has only been a few days... you still have his smell on your pillow, his things around the house.
But is it really worth it? to forget yourself to the point of feeling you're loosing your mind? A while back, i was in a different relationship and even if the situation was completely different some of the behaviour was similar. It feels like a perverted pleasure to push somebody from behind toward the abis, have them contemplate the (what at that moment seems the inevitable) end. And then you realise that the hard way is the way out. The really painfull way, the way that requires you to cry yourself to sleep night after night wondering why some people take pleasure in the pain of others. You remember to take the next breath and with each breath it becomes easier. You go thru steps, thru anger, resentment, sadness, self-pitty, you eventually accept the truth, you understand you loved without being loved. You never forget... you just hide your "feelings" in a corner of your soul. They'll come back out some day, but hopefully it's going to be in order to help you to make a better decision.
I don't speak good enough english to distinguish between nuances of words... in romanian we just call them "sentimente". Either you love or you don't. Either you desire or you don't. Either you lie or you don't. Either you cheat or you don't. I learned something... i will never settle! I will never settle just because i love somebody. And thou i still have in my heart Andy whom i loved when i was 12, i know that if i loved and still love somebody with all my soul, i deserve the same thing. If i could be faithful and loving and understanding and true... i deserve the same thing. And if i didn't just settle with somebody that didn't show me all that i deserve just because "I" loved him, if i wasn't that "selfless", that doesn't take away from my "feelings". I'll not allow ANYBODY to put my feelings into question. Nobody has that right.
You think that by saying what you said you hurt me? Nothing can hurt me more than actions.. a few words thrown in anger have only made me bitterly laugh. It's just a measure of your caracther and it says a lot about the maturity you so much rave about. I guess i always knew it will end like this, i just selfishly stole from time a few more moments. I laid in bed at night, knowing what would be in the end but my stupid romantic heart still saves a ray of hope that "this time it will be different". I smiled in the dark while tears of sadness rose from my eyes... and my heart in doubt. Now i smile in the light with tears of sadness in my eyes but with tranquility in my heart. There aren't any more questions unanswered, no more doubts... but most of all no more lies... life goes on...
"..off all the gin joints of all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine..."