...late night thoughts...

It's hard to detach yourself from the hopes and dreams you've had for so many years. It's starting to curl at the corners and the moment will come when I'll have to peel it all in one pull. That would probably be less painful than to continue hoping for something that seems less and less achievable. It's not that I'm a pessimist, it just seems that I'm a realist. I'm tired of people that pretend, people that have agendas or plainly people that have no courage to say what they have on their mind. They think that by keeping silent they don't hurt anybody... silence hurts more than anything else in the world. I'd know, I've looked plenty of times at turned backs, I've looked and swallowed my tears and felt my heart breaking. I guess my desire for affection has led me to some of the mistakes in my life. My innocence and willingness to trust others to other mistakes... and my forgiving nature to the rest. I really can't blame people for the way they are, because that's how they are. It was me that always trusted for a good heart to be found underneath. And in time i have learned my lesson and learned to walk away when i KNEW how the other person was. I believe myself to be valuable enough for someone to give me the chance and time to know me, the real me, with my defects and qualities, with my affection, tenderness and moods... and who doesn't, doesn't deserve me. I'd rather have nobody and expect nothing, i can live with the loneliness, than have someone or like someone that doesn't care to give what any other person is just to expect from its couple.

... nights in white satin...

This might as well be a letter never meaning to send... to whom? who knows. Maybe to whom my mouth has no courage to speak to. Maybe deep inside i hope he'll read it, but that's always the last hope, the one you have when you're on a brink.
I guess I've been restless for the last few days. I now understand how little i understand others, even thou i try. And it's not a lack of trying on my part, but a lack of transparency on their part. I find myself wondering if by being foreign I'm not being taken seriously, by any. That thought has crossed my mind a lot lately. In that case I'd come up losing from all sides since I'm foreign to most. Maybe others look at foreigners the way they look at some alien species.. they figure we're different, maybe our feelings don't get hurt.
Well, let me put the record straight. Everybody has feelings that can get hurt. In my case maybe more than others as unfortunately I'm a cancer, a artistic soul, easily hurt, thou you'd never be able to tell... it's those deep waters we swim in, the torment is under the surface. Lately it's been harder and harder to hide it, maybe because I'm tired of hiding it, or sometimes there's too much pain there and it just bursts out...
In moments like these, I find myself closing my eyes and feeling his arms around me, strong and supporting, strong yet gentle... who could that be... my mom said "what's your is put aside" and made me laugh with it. What's mine is very well hidden, because as hard as i look, i can't find it.. So i go through life trying arms for size but no luck...