Lonely

For a moment, I stopped feeling alone. Just for a moment. But as everything else in life, moments are fleeting.. that moment is gone. As I sit alone in the dark and think about life, I reconsider what is important. I thought I knew the answer to that question. But now I'm not sure anymore. Tears meet on the tip of my chin. I feel sorry for the world. I feel sorry for the people. We live our lives day by day choosing to close out eyes to the reality. We show our smallness. We show our selfishness. I am alone....

Even if you leave..

It's saddening going through life, meeting people, caring for them, having them depart from your life for whatever reason just to realise how inconsequential you have been in their existence. There are maybe hundred of sayings about how we shouldn't give attention to those who don't care about us. But how can you make yourself feel that? We can pretend even inside ourselves that we have done so, but at certain moments the truth comes out. A place, a song, a smell.. a memory, makes it all flow out like a waterfall. What does that say about us.. we are human. There are no rules when it comes to feelings and caring for someone. And some people leave a permanent mark, either deserved or not, it makes no difference to the heart.

it's 2AM and i can't sleep..

We are so insecure of all that is around us.. we feel we need to conform to certain rules and convention arbitrary established by the society. What is now allowed and normal, was unheard of or illegal 50 years ago. The society is constantly changing, the norms are always changing. The normal is always changing.  I do feel nostalgia for the past but i think that's natural. I yearn for my careless years. I yearn for the simplicity      of that life. It was complicated in its own way but so simple in comparison to now.

I look around me now, as i take a midnight walk through my streets.. i pass by people sleeping and as i do, i try to imagine their lives, their dreams and desires.. but mostly their pain. I know about pain and about hiding it. I've done it many years. So i can understand how that feels. Every person i meet on my path, i look inside their eyes and try to read the truth. I can't. I have to admit i'm not good at this. I can't even notice the lie in their eyes. There's a change in me. The longer i exist the more i know that.. i know nothing. And i think that's an achievement. I know nothing when it comes to love, i know nothing when it comes to life.. I've decided not to think life but live it. Not make plans because they never get achieved. Take each day, each moment.. each person.. at it's own value. Cherish my smiles, taste my tears.. but most of all cherish my memories. I never knew what happiness is. I never really knew love. For a fleeing moment, i thought i had it. I don't know what happened.. society norms, family or simply a lying heart. It all went away and i was left silently with my heart crying out the question. Why? I'm resigned.. i'll never know. All i can feel is that from across the world, my steps are still besides you, even if you don't want them. You can not love me, you can even tell me calmly you never loved me.. but you can't make me not love you. 

So you think how you treat others doesn't matter?

I sit on my balcony and look at the people passing by, couples with or without kids. Without asking permission, a tear rolls down from the corner of my eye all the way to my chin. These endearing images make me remember my childhood. Although, my childhood has never been this blissful and careless. I grew up during communism until I was 11. I don't remember much of that era besides standing alone in line, waiting to buy food. I've always been a loner.. played by myself, studied by myself. Now as an adult I understand the importance of all that I never experienced. The summer camps I never went to. And now that I can rationalize my mistakes in life, I understand the importance of the right kind of parenting. The kind that would teach a child self respect and self esteem, the kind that would give the child affection and understanding. I'm not calling my parents, bad parents.. rather inexperienced parents, self-absorbed parents. Maybe it was the way those times were, or their upbringing. I never felt their support or their love. I don't think they knew how much their lack of affection would influence my life. I've spend all my life trying to grasp for the love and affection I lacked. I thought I reached it, several times, I felt it with the tips of my fingers just before it vanished.
I always seem to reach a point in my conversations with myself when I lament about the world and people. I have no doubt there are good people out there. I know a few. But most of the people I meet are self-absorbed and aren't giving another person a moment's thought. Do you ever wonder how many people feel lonely even while being in a crowd? Not because they are alone, but because they are judged. How many of us haven't done this? Looked at another human being and think they are useless.. or ugly. Not giving that person the chance to show you who they really are inside. We look, we label and we discard.
How sad is our world.. when people are treated like things.

insomnia...

i'm looking at you and you don't even know it.. you passed through my life without understanding it and burned on your way a path i can't erase. I see you now and feel you foreign, you that felt so familiar from the first moment. A deep sadness takes hold of my heart. You were never mine, but i selfishly wanted you closer the longest i could. You were never mine, but in my soul i possessed a thousand times.. I felt your strong arms and looked into your big beautiful eyes.. I trembled at the thought anything bad could happen to you and when you came back, i felt relief. I felt sad that you left me yet strangely happy at the thought you were same as always.. i sometimes reach out my hand and hope you can feel my caress on your cheek, i lean forward and try to kiss your eyes.. if i only could.. but you don't even know i'm here...

... serf ek pal..
... hamari aankom se mulakat...
... mera dil ki bat thi...
... kabhi nahin mera haath ki jaane ke liye...
... tumhare honth jhuth ko bata kabhi nahin hoga...

...........

So many times my heart is my worst enemy, always wanting what it can never get, always reaching out for the unreachable, always failing to understand reason... I wish I could shut it, silence it, make it not matter, make not feel, make it not hurt. And everytime it breaks I promise myself this is the last time... I feel there's nothing left to break, but this stupid piece of meat always proves me wrong...