... its raining... the wind slowly opens the blinds and moves the chime. This weather always makes me think too much. I'm sitting on the couch feeling a bit sad. Thoughts of my family, especially my grandma invade my mind. I miss her.. my eyes fill with tears just as hers do when she talks about me.
I've been trying to... mature, I guess, put my life on a different path. Looking back, I realise how small decisions have influenced my life in such a big way. My thirst for affection led me to most of my mistakes. But.. I didn't let them put me down, I picked myself up and continued.. many times in doubt and always heartbroken. I lived most of my life with the feeling I have tonight, complete loneliness.. it's sad as a child to feel that. As an adult you get used to it. It's not pleasant, it's just another reality of life. The indifference of others. The turned backs, the lonely tears. As a child I was dreaming of someone to hold me and wipe my tears and love me.. as an adult I understood that it was just a dream, a fantasy that a vivid imagination had tried to live in instead of a cruel reality. I don't even remember one moment of complete happiness. Since I was young I learnt to never rejoice at anything, because then it would go away. Because it did.. I learnt to be closed within myself because nobody was ever honestly interested in what happened to me. My parents pushed me away with their cold manner... I've always been a calm surface water with a storm underneath..
I grew up in a loveless home, only child. Played inside, away from other kids. I could have gone so wrong but I always had this strong moral core, self imposed. I don't know why I grew up like that. It was not religion and I didn't learn it from my parents. The extent of their teachings were: sip your soup quietly, don't drag your feet and most importantly don't put your elbows on the table.
I grew up with a sense of duty to others to be honest and fair. Little did I know I had chosen life to play that way and all the other players were cheating at the game. I looked inside myself and believed that since I was that way there must be more like me out there. I must find one like me, one that values truth and loyalty and affection as much as I. I wanted to finally live in a loving family. It wasn't meant to be in my parents family, so I wanted to have my own. I wanted kids to love, protect and understand, I wanted a partner to walk beside me in life, to hold my hand and make me feel like I don't have to carry all the burden alone. I dreamed of his hand on my belly when I was pregnant, about watching him cry when each of our babies were born.. and I would love him for each of the moments spent together.. until we were old, just like the grandparents in my neighborhood, walking at night together, surrounded by kids.
Crazy dream, isn't it? Some dream of a new job, a better home... some dream about the first love.. or maybe the last love. But in the end maybe it's just a dream. Life has a sobering effect. Just like the chill of this cold rain. Just like the empty spot beside me. I stopped dreaming a long time ago. But I still have hope that there is someone like me out there, someone that wants the same life as I do. Someone that will take the time to peel off each scab of the scars life has inflicted on me. Underneath there's so much love, sometimes it hurts to hold it all in.
